The Worst Online Dating Opener I’ve Ever Received
I received the following message last night.
– Never have I wanted juice less.
– I don’t know why killing rats is a redeeming feature.
– Does this strategy ever work for getting dates?
– Does this strategy ever work for converting people to veganism?
I’m guessing not.
Dear mystery man
Thank you for the invitation to drink your juice.
I also enjoy a variety of juices and talking about what have you. I appreciate your consideration for my hurt feelings but thanks to your kindness to all animals except rats who don’t count, I am able to get over the pain already. It’s comforting to know there is such benevolence in the world. Next time can you also include a shirtless photo of you rescuing a puppy from a burning building? Thanks.
Your honesty and impeccable morals are just as appealing as your juice. I’m honoured that you messaged me even though I have omnivorous tendencies that I regularly perform ethical gymnastics to maintain. I have considered becoming vegan but I need the exercise.
I’d like to present an alternative viewpoint, if you’ll allow me, which is that perhaps you didn’t leave it long enough before sending that message? You could have left it a little bit longer, like perhaps forever? I don’t know, I do have a morally dubious character so I bow to your superior manfeels on this one.
I hope I helped you stave off some boredom temporarily. I’m glad you’re not an angry, crazed Looney. I would have been a bit concerned if you hadn’t said that, but you put my fears to rest. I’m not an angry, crazed Looney either! I’m just a girl, standing in front of a deli, asking for reproductive systems.
I’m glad you’ve opened my eyes to the possibilities of not benignly separating families. I’ll certainly check my bacon was single next time I’m indulging in the stories I’ve been fed since I was a child.
Thanks again, and all the best with dating!
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