The Worst Online Dating Opener I’ve Ever Received

I received the following message last night. 

– Never have I wanted juice less.
– I don’t know why killing rats is a redeeming feature.
– Does this strategy ever work for getting dates?
– Does this strategy ever work for converting people to veganism?

I’m guessing not.


S, going on? I like making vegans out of people who don’t like the fact that they fund needless oppression and killing and comodification of others reproductive systems for the sake of their trivial pleasures.
Now that you let your feelings get hurt by thinking about what you do on a daily basis, you can blame me and my kind for how you feel about what you do and do some well practiced mental and ethical gymnastics and proceed to congratulate yourself on what a kind person you are for choosing kind explotation and humane rape , benign separation of families.
I have given you plenty of ammunition to convince yourself that I’m a crazed Looney who doesn’t have a clue as to what separates us from the other animals and someone who is angry. Which I’m not, I’m just bored and I thought why not be honest for once, hey you’re supposed to be an over sharer right? I hope you understand, and I would like to invite you for a fresh vegetable juice regardless of your tendencies to stick with the stories we were all fed as infants and children.
Oh shit the condescending meter is off the charts. That is exactly how not to ask someone to consider a way of living in line with their own values.
You know what fuck it.
Come have a juice with me I’m really not such an asshole really, I kill rats at least, I suppose that could be a redeeming feature??
Shit I’ve left it too long without sending.
Well in any case I’d be happy to have your company one day, i seriously make the best juice ever and I like sitting around talking about what have you.
To be clear I’m just inviting you to drink juice that’s literally it.


Dear mystery man

Thank you for the invitation to drink your juice.

I also enjoy a variety of juices and talking about what have you. I appreciate your consideration for my hurt feelings but thanks to your kindness to all animals except rats who don’t count, I am able to get over the pain already. It’s comforting to know there is such benevolence in the world. Next time can you also include a shirtless photo of you rescuing a puppy from a burning building? Thanks.

Your honesty and impeccable morals are just as appealing as your juice. I’m honoured that you messaged me even though I have omnivorous tendencies that I regularly perform ethical gymnastics to maintain. I have considered becoming vegan but I need the exercise.

I’d like to present an alternative viewpoint, if you’ll allow me, which is that perhaps you didn’t leave it long enough before sending that message? You could have left it a little bit longer, like perhaps forever? I don’t know, I do have a morally dubious character so I bow to your superior manfeels on this one.

I hope I helped you stave off some boredom temporarily. I’m glad you’re not an angry, crazed Looney. I would have been a bit concerned if you hadn’t said that, but you put my fears to rest. I’m not an angry, crazed Looney either! I’m just a girl, standing in front of a deli, asking for reproductive systems.

I’m glad you’ve opened my eyes to the possibilities of not benignly separating families. I’ll certainly check my bacon was single next time I’m indulging in the stories I’ve been fed since I was a child.

Thanks again, and all the best with dating!


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